Thanks for the offer. Now let’s talk about my scepter.
Hi Bob. I came across your message and was impressed by your offer, especially in Cyber Security, Cyber Resilience, Incident Response and Consulting.
I am currently working on a puzzle game that aligns well with your phone. Unless you use Android, because Google is giving me all kinds of shit.
I know it’s been one year and eleven days since you reached out. Under ordinary circumstances I would expect the position had already been filled. But you reached out to me, which means you’re looking for THW. And there’s only one THW.
I remember it like it was yesterday, only, and I’ll get real here for a minute, I haven’t been sleeping well recently and that’s the end of this sentence.
I am very attracted to leading large scale Cyber Security initiatives, perhaps to an unhealthy drgree. But if your client is looking for someone with deep Cyber Security, then I am your guy. Nobody has deep Cyber Security like THW.
And I can drive a mean high-impact client solution. Just the other day, I was talking with my friend about high-impact client solutions. His name’s Bob too. Bob, I said, how do you feel about high-impact client solutions? Don’t much care for em myself, Bob responded. But Bob, I said, how can you bring deep expertise in information security and in the governance and compliance practices that support it if you don’t care about it in the first place? Bob just shook his head. That’s the kind of guy Bob is. You wouldn’t be interested in Bob.
I have extensive experience leveraging varied skill sets to deliver on - and exceed client expectations like a mofo. A client once expected me to deliver expectations. They said it just like that. “THW, i expect you to deliver expectations.”
I said no, of course, and roundhouse kicked the client into the sun. I don’t deliver expectations, I exceed them. The client was so blown away they had to apologize (from the surface of the sun) and buy me a Ferrari Testarossa and I roundhouse kicked THAT into the sun too, to make sure they got the message. Then I still refused to deliver expectations. Not good enough, I said. When you call THW, you get exceeded all the way to the bank, or you get nothing at all. No middle ground. But it’s mostly the first one, and that’s why you should call THW.
Your compensation package is very compelling but was clearly meant for someone else. Here is my list of demands:
One (1) scepter, to exceed 67.27 troy ounces (4.6125 imperial pounds) of gold, 24 karat minimum but don’t cheap out on me. 25 or even 25 and a half. Bejeweling is not strictly necessary but is expected.
$400k base salary and you have to promise my boss likes Magic but doesn’t play mono red. I’m trying something. For this I will answer the phone between three and four times a week.
All fellow employees must address me as “your majesty” whenever I am carrying the scepter. “Jermajesty” is also acceptable.
The whole office has to laugh at my jokes even if they’re not funny
The dress code must accommodate basketball man shorts and a t-shirt that is just a little too small but you are too polite to say anything
I will be working from home
All of the preceding items are negotiable except for the scepter.
Thank you for reaching out to me, I can’t wait to work together.